Insomnia

This poem sucks
although I wrote it
I beg posterity
not too quote it

Vault it up,
throw key away
and never see
the light of day.

Some people write
because they like to
Dare take their pens
they'll even fight you
Kick dirt in eye
they'll scratch and bite you.
Call you, "censor"
And ever spite you.

And if they get their
pens returned
They'll dip those quills
in ink that burns.

And turn their ire
in scathing verse
that eviscerates you
with their curse.

As for me, I'd rather
I did not write.
But these verses
keep me up at night.

If you took my pen,
I'd go insane.
With constant bother-
some refrain:

"Poet!  Poet!
Render us to page!"
Shut up verse!
I've job with wage!

"Poet!  Poet!
Do make us born!"
No one reads verse!
They'd rather watch porn!

"Poet!  Poet!
Let's have our say!"
I already told you
to go away!

"Poet!  Poet!
Rouse and write!"
So bothersome!
It's middle of night!

Gone are the days of
William's spear.
A poet's lance,
not welcome here.

We've internet now
no need for bards.
We've Angry Birds
no use for cards.

And the minstrels?
Sadly unemployed.
And reality television
I'm so annoyed.

When drama queens they
have more sway
than those with worthy
things to say

But let's face facts:
poetry is dead.
So won't you please,
get out of my head?

Run along
and let me sleep.
The world loves shallow,
abhors the deep.

Skilled in art form
too arcane.
Most scratch their heads
and call it lame.

Tell me why
I should take the time.
To count out meter
and stamp out rhyme?

Regale an audience
exactly where?
No one read poems:
they do not care!

Some see dead people
I hear verse!
Skeleton stanzas:
that's my curse.

Fine!  Shut up!
I'll get up and write you.
I'm really starting
to not quite like you.

How come you never
let me sleep?
The world loves shallow,
abhors the deep.

------------------------------

Not sure if I captured anything of worth here, or if this is just another midnight babbling.  I guess I have a love/hate relationship with poetry.  On the one hand (and you may disagree) it seems to come naturally to me, but it's kinda like having a useless skill... a stupid human trick.  I used to think I was born in the wrong age, but maybe that's too dramatic... more likely poetry is one of those supposed to be vestigial organs that for some reason is too active in me.  Like a human with a tail or gills, I have poetry (okay, now I'm definitely being dramatic).

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to mock myself in verse, hope it was at least entertaining :)  I'm going to bed now... finally.

Evil twin, out!

Penny for your thoughts

Please don't be honest at my expense.
Please take it to your grave.
Be frugal with your own two cents:
Two pennies that are saved.

From Afar

I bet your ass
Looks better than it tastes.
I bet your booty
Ain't near as great

As I imagined it
Within my mind.
Within these walls
You were so divine.

Boobs ain't much more
Than bags of fat
And I bet your personality
Falls so flat

When things don't go
The way you like
I bet you're nasty
And pick a fight.

I bet you're not actually
All that sweet
And if we personally
Ever did meet

I'd find you ordinary
And plain
3.5 billion
I bet you're all the same.

I bet you're not actually
At all unique
'n unfamiliarity's
What makes you chic

And if I got
To know you a bit
I'd find you're actually
an odious ...

When no one's looking
I bet you're oh so dour
And I bet your kisses
Taste so so sour

From far away
You dazzle, that's certain
But I bet you're really
Quite boring in person

I bet you're not
interesting at all
I bet you hate
each word of this scrawl

I bet you really
Didn't fall from stars
And I dreamt you better
Than you actually are.

Together, I bet
We wouldn't last that long.
And I bet you absolutely
Hate this song

I bet your ass
Looks better than it tastes
If I got to know you,
I bet you're not that great

I dreamt you better
Than you actually are.
That's why I prefer you
From afar.

--------------------------------------------

Before you lynch me: an explanation.  When it comes to attraction, I notice there's quite a disparity.  When we first see or meet or get involved with someone, we imagine all the good things about them.  It even seems our biology is wired to make us drunk and thinking the other person walks on water.  But experience (and ex-girlfriends) show that eventually we sober up, and even worse, the relationship sours.  The same person who could do no wrong, can now do no good.  Did the person change, or did the high wear off?

So then it occurred to me, what if we assumed the worst and not the best about a person upon meeting them? And then I wrote this... this sonnet, or anti-sonnet actually, to scratch the record, a splash of cold water on the face.

Okay, now you can go ahead and string me up.  Thank you for your patience.

Breaking Bad: Sleeping Gopher

Master debater Ma-
rie vers' Hank Schrader with
Burrowing rodent 're-
maining supine

Somewhat surprisedly
Gopher done rise did he
Incontrovertibly
Checking out time.

------------------

Broke one of the rules for double dactyls which say that the first line should be repetitious nonsense, but I think it was warranted. Where else could I use "master debater"?

Kim Jong Un: Premature Enucleation

Spoon fork knife, knife fork spoon
S'preme Leader, Kim Jong Un,
Threatening rhetoric
At it again!

Perhaps he spoke too soon
Nuclear can't go boom
Without a functioning
ICBM

Derision 2012

Bibbidi bobbidi
Barack Obama he
Re-won the pres'dency
Ain't that a shame?!

Romney put up a fight
But come election night
Ultraconservatives
Had hope, not change!

Breaking Bad: Brother Hank

Heisenberg Heisenstein
Hank ain't no friend of thine.
DEA officer
Agent of blue.

Even though broth'r-in-law
if ends up finding y'all
Empire-istically
Not good for you!

Breaking Bad: Breakfast Time

Heisenberg Heisensteen
Walt junior, Flynn I mean,
Never missed breakfasting
Best meal of day.

Calling his mother bitch
Whilst chomping bacon, it's
Panuniversally
Not best to say!

Breaking Bad: Skyler's Dilemma

Higgledy piggleldy
Mom Skyler White she be
Taking blood money and
Make it unseen.

Washes and waxes they
Subject to taxes but
Submoralistically
Make her unclean!

Breaking Bad: Gus' Gamble

Flippedy floppedy
Gus Fring is stopping the
Cartel assassin who
Ambushed his crew.

Throwing his hands to side
Punking sharpshooter guy
Egomaniacally
Dared him to shoot.

Derriere

I hope you don't think of me crass,
But you have such a wonderful ass!
My jaw hits the floor
As my eyes drink in more.
Ran smack to a wall as I pass.

I hope you don't think me corrupt,
But you have a spectacular butt!
My mouth says, "Good God!
Where'd you get such a bod?!"
Never tire of watching you strut.

Breaking Bad: Fat Stacks

Higgledy piggledy,
Ole Walter White he be
Somewhat illegally
Making fat stacks.

Cooking the meth so blue
Will be the death of you
Ubermeticulous
Cover your tracks!

Breaking Bad: Missing Tuco

Higgledy piggledy
Walter and Jesse be
Somewhat illegally
Cooking their meth.

Ubertyranically,
Gus make them quiver and
Sadly lamenting that
Tuco met Death.

Gimp

Man, it's hard out here for a pimp.

It's no wonder he walk with a limp.

Just forget it.  Don't mind.
But as haters walk by.
Throw stones and chastise him a gimp.

Man, it's hard out here for a pimp.
Thus he walk with perpetual limp.
Tried to upright his swag,
but his leg, it still drag.
Hobbling and crookedly gimp.